Mister Sandman

It's 1 am and I cannot go back to sleep. Maybe it's because of the coffee that I had at the hair salon ealier this evening. Maybe it's the awful dream that I just had. Let me tell you about it. I dreamt that Rodney, Will and I were going somewhere and Rod and the baby went outside to wait for me (as usual). I was nervously trying to get myself together knowing that at any minute he would come back inside and ask what was taking so long. He did come back inside only he looked liked he'd been crying or something and the baby didn't look right. I asked what was wrong and he said he'd fallen and the baby was probably not o.k. I woke with a start and haven't been able to go back to sleep. What a horrible dream. I sat up immediately and checked on Will, who was of course sleeping peacefully. Then I touched Rodney's shoulder as he slept as if to say, "everything's alright, thank God." I'm not sure if I'm one of those people who read into dreams too much because sometimes I think they are truly just random. But, I wanted to analyze this one, if only just so that I can go back to bed.

Maybe the events of the evening have some insight. Ever since we stopped giving bottles to help with breast feeding, I have not been pumping as much so the result is that we don't have too many stores on hand when I am not around, which at this point isn't too often. Well, tonight I went to get my hair cut and it took a little longer than I thought. As I soon as I was finished I called Rodney and the baby was crying in the background. Luckily, we only live a few blocks from the salon, but I couldn't find my car keys in my diaper bag, so I actually started walking home when I eventually located them (long story). Anyway, by the time I got home the baby was screaming, even though Rodney had given him the 5 oz. of breast milk that was in the fridge (our only reserves) about an hour previously. I quickly sat down to nurse Will and within seconds everything was calm again. There was a sense of desperation in Rodney's eyes when I walked in as if he was thinking "what took you so long?" Perhaps this was because he was very tired from his long day and didn't have a full set of nerves to deal with a screaming baby, but at any rate I felt horrible even though I could have done nothing to get there any earlier. I think I see the connection to my dream. When I came home to see Will crying uncontrollably and Rodney rocking him gently with an almost tearful look on his face, I felt like I had something that the baby desperately needed and I was too selfish to get home to provide it for him. What a powerfully intense feeling this was. As I sat there watching a calm contendedness wash over Will's face as he ate, I felt a huge sense of relief. As I remember this feeling now, I realize how important my role is in this little baby's life and how important it will be for the rest of his life. I pray that God will guide me (and Rodney) gracefully and mercifully as we try to make the best choices for him. Time to go back to bed...